Long before the term “self-care” became the buzzword it is today, I had decided it wasn’t for me.
My Type A, perfectionist-driven personality had trouble accepting that slowing down to take care of my inner self was important.
It was difficult for me to believe the benefits of self-care were worth the effort.
I thrive on accomplishment, order, and completing tasks. I’ve repeatedly assured various friends and family that I’m easy to please—just allow me space and time to check a few items off my to-do list.
And suddenly, all is right in my world.
An inaccurate view of self-care…
That being said, I used to carry around this subconscious belief that for me, self-care was unnecessary. But to be honest, my knowledge on the topic was vague.
I had this idea it would require extended periods of time relaxing. Or perhaps I would need to develop a regular practice of being still and quiet.
Those options sounded excruciating to someone who would choose to complete a long list of tasks over a relaxing bubble bath any day.
With this false notion in place, I rejected the whole concept of self-care.
I didn’t want to slow down. I loathed the thought of being still and I was almost never quiet!
Staying busy was enjoyable and I and found purpose in my ability to keep everything in order. The thought of stepping away from my responsibilities to recharge and refocus seemed like a waste of time.
My life was functioning just fine.
Watching my husband enjoy the benefits of self-care…
Then I got married. To a man who had pretty much already mastered the art of self-care. My husband and I have similar personalities.
With one exception.
He needs and desires down time. My husband is an extremely hard worker who isn’t afraid to enthusiastically tackle any project sent his way.
On the other hand, he’s very in tune with his body and mind. He knows when to push through, but can easily spot the signs that he needs a break. His physical and mental self requires a healthy balance between work and play.
He thrives on times of solitude, rest, and fun. One of the traits I most admire in my spouse is that he’s never made apologies for this and has always been diligent in seeking it out.
Read “The Importance of Rest“ for inspiration on implementing a day for your family focused simply on relaxation and time together.
From the time we met, my husband encouraged me to slow down. He repeatedly described the benefits gained from his focus on self-care and tried to convince me to adopt my own regimen.
Unfortunately, most of his wise advice fell on deaf ears.
Throughout the early years of our marriage, I continued to ignore the importance of taking care of my body and mind. I convinced myself that I gained energy from completing projects.
I found rest in an empty to-do list. Keeping busy was how I constantly recharged my battery. I was a little bit like the Energizer bunny.
I kept going and going and going…
Making time to focus on his own well-being became even more important after becoming a parent…
Then we had kids.
My husband became even more diligent in his quest for self-care. He recognized adding children would completely change our family dynamic in the most wonderful of ways.
On the other hand, he knew that to be a great parent it was essential to be mentally, physically, and emotionally healthy.
Thus, he decided to dedicate one night each week to focused down time. He planned it carefully so it didn’t interfere with my schedule or any of his responsibilities.
On that evening, time was his to do with as he wished. He ate dinner with the family and then disappeared until bedtime. The kids and I agreed we would ask nothing of him on those evenings.
No questions about an unexpected house repair or scheduling conflict on our calendar. Requests for help with bath time or bedtime routines weren’t allowed.
Tracking him down (with the exception of an emergency or mini-crisis) was off limits. This took some training on both our parts (mostly mine), but soon we had it down to a science.
My husband relished what we came to call “his night.” He often planned the retreats on Monday evenings to help set the tone for his work week.
He valued those few hours of time for himself, looked forward to them, and made them a priority.
And he offered to replicate it for me. In fact, he strongly encouraged me to take a night of my own. He insisted it would be good for me.
As crazy as it now sounds, I repeatedly turned him down. I assured him I was just fine and a night to myself was unnecessary.
My continued rejection of self-care was rooted in pride…
Looking back, I think pride had a lot to do with my refusal to take any time away from my responsibilities. I wanted my husband to think my life was already balanced and I was capable of continuously juggling everything on my plate.
In retrospect, I also think guilt played a huge role. If I truly cut to the heart of the issue, I was a stay-at-home mom who wasn’t contributing to the financial well-being of our family.
I recognized the hugely important role I played in raising our children.
Yet ridiculous as it may sound, there was a part of me that felt like taking a break would mean I wasn’t keeping up my end of the bargain.
Having children changed my perspective…
However, as I watched my husband thoroughly enjoy his evenings away from the rest of the world, I felt my resistance being chipped away.
I may have been able to function like the Energizer bunny through my single years.
I did a decent job of keeping it all together the first few years of marriage.
But becoming a mom brought on a whole new level of busy.
While motherhood was (and still is) one of my greatest blessings, it also carries a heavy burden of responsibility. When it came right down to it, I was tired.
My drum was still beating, but it was definitely slowing down.
It began to occur to me that perhaps this idea of self-care wasn’t so over-rated after all. And the next time my husband asked me if I would like to have a night to myself, I said yes.
I don’t remember the exact moment that I caved to my own pride and decided to leave behind the unhealthy habits of my past. I also can’t recall my husband’s exact response, although I’m sure he was relieved I had finally come to my senses.
But I do remember what followed next.
I was finally ready to embrace the benefits of self-care…
The first few times I experienced my own night, I couldn’t believe how much I enjoyed it. My husband would get home from work and completely take over. If he arrived in time, he cooked dinner.
When work kept him from playing chef, he made sure to take care of the cleanup. After enjoying dinner together, he sent me away.
I really can’t describe the freedom and energy that came from having those few precious hours completely to myself. I’d never dreamed such a short amount of time could make such a huge difference in my quality of life.
My body felt refreshed and my mind was renewed. And I found my improved outlook lingered throughout the week. I was more patient with my children and better able to focus on my tasks.
While the benefits of my new perspective on self-care took me by surprise, logically it made complete sense.
My husband and I each lived on our own for over a decade before getting married. We were used to our own schedules, a singular agenda, and an abundance of down time.
While we wouldn’t trade our family life for anything, there’s also something to be said for taking advantage of a moment or two where your only responsibility is yourself.
So, I soaked it in. I put my husband’s plan into practice and scheduled my own evening each week.
I put on comfy, lounging clothes. Then, I watched a show of my choice. I indulged in some chocolate.
And to be completely honest, I often completed a project. But, I did it on my own terms.
I worked slowly. And when I started to feel overwhelmed, I traded that project for a more enjoyable task.
Taking time for ourselves has strengthened our marriage and improved our quality of life…
Six years later, I’m fiercely protective of “my night.”
While there are many seasons that require my husband and I to give up our evenings because of more pressing life issues, those times rarely last for long.
We recognize the importance this piece now plays in our family dynamic.
For a self-proclaimed critic of self-care, I’ve come a long way. In fact, I sometimes look back on my old behaviors and wonder if I had a screw loose!
The peace I receive from simply taking a few hours each week to focus on my own needs has become irreplaceable. Forcing myself to pay more attention to the condition of my soul, mind and body, rather than my to-do list has been life changing.
I still believe in hard work. I still love the feeling of a job well done. And I’m still a perfectionist.
But now I’m also learning how to rest. I’m discovering balance.
While you’ll most likely never find me sitting still enough to enjoy a long bubble bath, my days of ignoring self-care are long gone.
And though I can still be accused of “going” more often than not, I’ve taken a page out of my husband’s play book. I’ve embraced my need for self-care.
And I’ve decided there’s no shame in that.
As moms, we can sometimes feel there is little time to focus on ourselves. Yet a lack of time doesn’t make it less important! Do you have any tips for making “you time” a priority or thoughts on the benefits of self-care? Please share in the comments below!
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