Marriage money problems rank close to the top of the list when it comes to relationship stressors.
It makes sense. Money is pretty important-we all need it to navigate our way through this world. And managing it well is vital for the future of your family.
So, when two people with different personalities and different backgrounds come together to build a life, finding common ground on financial issues is bound to be tricky.
But it’s not impossible.
In fact, those different views on money can actually benefit your marriage. If you look at them from the right perspective.
What causes marriage money problems…
My husband is naturally generous.
And I’m naturally not.
Actually, I’m pretty tight-fisted. And I have control issues when it comes to money. I’m not particularly proud of those two things…nor are they helpful character traits when it comes to dealing with marriage and money!
My husband and I don’t have the more typical, spender-versus-saver issues. But, our two vastly different personality traits when it comes to money have still created friction in our marriage.
And that friction has taught me an important truth-regardless of where your financial differences lie, the real root of the issue usually isn’t money. And it’s often not even about different views on money.
In reality, the problems usually lie much deeper.
Check out “How to Handle Money Issues in Marriage“ for ten practical tips on navigating financial challenges.
More than money…
Case in point…I mentioned I’m not overly generous. And that it’s caused friction with my husband.
Early in our marriage, every time my husband wanted to give, I hesitated. (Except when it came to tithing. Thanks to my parents, that had been a part of my life since I was little, so it was just second nature.)
But in every other area when my other half wanted to throw out a little generosity…I wanted to hold back. Money, resources, even our time I held close to the vest.
Needless to say, that led to more than a few disagreements.
And those conversations bugged me.
Because I didn’t see myself as unkind or uncompassionate. So, why was it so hard for me to be generous? And how did it come so easily to my husband?
The source of the problem…
Over time, God began to reveal that my issues weren’t really about generosity at all.
My problems were rooted in a need for control and a lack of trust.
I wanted to control our finances because that gave me a sense of security. The more we could save, the better I felt. And giving any of that away felt like giving up control.
And then there were the trust issues. If I had such a death grip on our money that I couldn’t bear to let any of it go, I obviously didn’t trust God to take care of us. I saw our income as the ultimate source of our provision–not God.
I’d been a believer since I was nine years old. So, I knew all about sowing and reaping, the benefits of generosity, God’s promises to supply for all our needs…yada, yada, yada. But God was clearly showing me that knowledge was one thing and living out that knowledge was quite another.
I could tell myself that I needed to give up control of our finances and trust God for our provision until I was blue in the face. But until I actually put my knowledge into action, those issues would steal my peace and hurt my marriage.
Read “20 Bible Verses About Giving“ for more on how to live generously.
A hard-fought battle…
But here’s the thing…my huge revelation didn’t happen overnight. God used countless circumstances and people to open my eyes. He pretty much had to hit me over the head repeatedly until I finally started to get the point! And once I began to realize that our marriage money problems had a lot to do with my own heart issues, the work had just begun.
Because now I had to figure out how to fix it!
Thankfully, my husband is a patient man. He was sensitive to my struggles. But he gently and continuously pushed me to address them. He took advantage of every opportunity to remind me about the importance of generosity. I have to admit, that usually irritated me. But, looking back, I’m so thankful for his persistence.
And the Lord was persistent too. He orchestrated situation after situation that required me to give up control and trust him with our finances. In the beginning, I failed those tests more often than not. But He kept them coming. And with lots of prayer and far more “practice” than I liked, I began to loosen my grip on our money.
A work in progress…
I’d like to say I’m sitting here today resting in complete freedom. But that wouldn’t be entirely true. I still struggle with different aspects when it comes to finances. But I’m light years from where I used to be.
I truly love to give now. I not only support my husband when he comes up with some generous idea, but I sometimes think of them myself. And while I still battle occasional worry over our financial future, most of the time I’m able to give that to God and rest in His provision.
While all this only takes a few minutes to read, my journey has been long and my progress often slow. It has taken years of hard-fought battles to overcome my control and trust issues. And I know it’s something I’ll battle for the rest of my life.
But I’m so thankful that God showed me building a strong financial plan for our family goes much deeper than just managing different personalities or different views on money. And while your story may be different than mine, I believe many couples could shed light on their marriage money problems by taking a closer look at their root issues too.
God’s answer to marriage money problems…
This can be tricky because the root of the problem is often much less obvious than it appears.
Spenders may struggle with self-control. Or they may use shopping as a way to deal with stress or escape from the problems of life. Savers may suffer from worry over the future or past instability that keeps them living in fear.
The problems can also be rooted in issues completely unrelated to money. Bitterness, unforgiveness, deceit…all these things and more can simmer below the surface and then burst out during conversations about hot button issues like finances.
That being said, let me end with one more reminder…your spouse is never your enemy. Even when you feel worlds apart on an important topic. More than likely, you’re worlds apart for a good reason. Either God has some character flaws He wants to work out in you or He’s planning to use your differences to make you marriage even stronger.
For us, it was both. God has used money to grow my character in ways I never imagined. He’s done the same thing for my husband. He’s also used our different views on finances to help us build a strong financial plan and carry that out successfully together.
So, take a deeper look at your heart. Ask God to show you what He might want to teach you. And gently encourage your spouse to do the same.
And then thank Him that He made both of you so different.
It may not always feel like it. But those differences just might be the key to overcoming the marriage money problems in your relationship.
What marriage money problems have you overcame? Share your story and encourage others in the comments below!
Leave a Reply