I’m pretty sure this is a first, but I have to start with a disclaimer. I wrote this post just as much for myself as for you! If that sounds selfish, hear me out. Because when it comes to being a present parent, I have a lot of work to do.
I’m a highly productive, hard-working, Type A personality. Which means I’m really good at getting things done. But it also means I’m not so good at putting all those things aside to focus on the one thing that’s the most important-my family.
It’s not easy to admit. In fact, coming clean almost kept me from writing this post. But, in our tech-saturated, social-media-influenced, always-busy world, I have to believe that I’m not alone.
So, if you can relate, here’s seven habits I’m currently working on to fight distraction and become a more present parent.
Seven habits to becoming a more present parent…
Habit #1: Put down your phone.
In the past year, I’ve become increasingly aware of the unhealthy relationship I have with my smartphone. It’s been humbling to say the least, because I’ve always been intentional to stay off social media to avoid exactly that problem. Yet, I still can’t seem to put the thing down.
It really hit home when I realized that I was often scrolling an app or checking messages while my kids were trying to show me something or needed my attention.
Ouch.
So, here’s a few things I’m trying in an effort to manage my smartphone. And keep it from managing me.
Putting my phone away when spending time with my kids.
Whether it’s helping with homework or playing outside together, I’m trying to make a habit of setting my phone aside. I’ve been shocked at how challenging this has been! Which makes it even more clear that it’s a much-needed change. I want my kids to know that nothing is more important to me than spending time with them.
Setting specific times to check email and respond to texts.
I think one of the most challenging things about fighting the smartphone addiction is the subconscious need to always be available. The urge to check a text at every ding or an email with every vibration is strong. But we have to remember our phones shouldn’t control us. Or how we interact with the outside world.
My kids attend a collaborative school. Which means they go to school three days a week and we homeschool for the other two. So, on homeschool days, I check my email and messages in the morning. Then, unless I have a work deadline, I don’t look at them again until lunch. This lets me focus completely on my children and be a more present parent without the distraction of replying to a message or thinking about an email.
Consider a technology free day of the week.
This is an idea I’ve been mulling over for awhile now. It’s been on my heart to implement a technology free Sunday for our entire family. I haven’t gotten everyone on board yet, but I’m working on it.
And to be honest, I have no idea what that will look like for our NFL loving family when football season rolls around! But I’m still determined to make it happen. I believe the benefits from completely unplugging together are more than worth the challenges that come with that kind of lifestyle change.
Habit #2: Set aside time for each of your kids.
There’s a lot of advantages that come with being a Type A, perfectionist personality. But there’s plenty of drawbacks too. For me, one of those negatives is my struggle to prioritize having fun with my kids.
If admitting my phone addiction was hard, this confession is even more difficult. But since I’m throwing it all out there, I might as well be completely honest…it’s easy for me to prioritize my to-do list over playing with my kids.
When I recognized this about myself (and worked through all the mom guilt that came with my revelation), I set out to address the problem.
I made a goal to spend focused, quality time with each of my kids every week. We call it “time together.” There’s a lot of different ways this can happen. (Click here for details on why I make it work.) But the most important thing is to be intentional and consistent.
(Need simple and inexpensive ideas for connecting with your kids? Find them here.)
Habit #3: Give them your full attention.
It seems the more technologically advanced our world gets, the faster our attention span shortens. And the more tools we have available to get things done, the more we try to multi-task.
I’m just as guilty as the next person. It’s like I feel bad if I’m not accomplishing more than one thing at a time! And that mindset can make being a present parent extra hard.
So, whether it’s the ding of an email, dirty dishes calling from my sink, a cluttered living room that needs to be put in order, or a million other daily tasks, I’m making an effort to set them aside when my kids needs my attention.
All those things can wait. But stopping, looking one of my daughters in her eyes, and really listening to what she has to say will always be worth more than anything I could check off my list.
(Check out this powerful reminder about why living in the moment is so important. Find it here.)
Habit #4: Set boundaries.
Of course, there’s a flip side to everything already mentioned. There are times when you just need to get things done. And your kids have to learn reasonable boundaries to respect your time too.
I’ve learned the hard way-establishing those boundaries is much easier if my kids are already getting the focused attention they need. And I don’t feel nearly as guilty about enforcing said boundaries if I know I’ve been doing a decent job of being a present parent.
For example, I have a Monday work deadline that can’t be met until after my kids are home from school. Our routine has become the following…unpack from school, have a snack and unwind, and then help mom get her work done. This means one kiddo plays with the toddler while the other practices piano or finishes any other chores on their list. Then, they switch.
I’ve learned that if I’ve been intentional about giving them each focused time and attention, our Monday afternoons go pretty smooth. But, if I’ve been distracted or rushed that day (or in the days prior), meeting that work deadline becomes much harder. Inevitably one of them will consistently interrupt, seeking what I should have already given them.
When my kids know that they’re my priority, it makes playing second fiddle occasionally a walk in the park. If the opposite is true and they feel like they’re constantly competing for my attention, those boundaries become a lot less effective.
Habit #5: Rest.
I feel like I’m a bit of a sleep expert. Or lack of it to be more exact! But what mom isn’t?! Still, after two difficult babies, I’ve had to learn how to stay productive through the brain fog of exhaustion.
But those were seasons. It’s not how I want to live my life. Yet, I still struggle with getting to bed on time. Unfortunately, I’m not the only one who pays the price the next day. I have less patience when I’m tired and I definitely have less capacity to give my kids focused attention when I’m short on sleep.
In my younger days, I ran regularly on six hours of sleep a night and functioned just fine. But, as I’ve gotten older, I’ve discovered that six hours just won’t cut it. I need seven to eight hours a night to be at the top of my game.
Every person is different. Figure out your sweet spot when it comes to sleep. Then, do everything in your power to get that rest more often than you don’t. This is currently one of my biggest goals. And I know I’ll be a more present parent if I can achieve it.
(Check out this post for more on finding time for rest as a busy mom.)
Habit #6: Remember the bigger picture.
In my experience, one of the biggest challenges of mom life is staying joyful in the midst of the every day, mundane tasks that take up the bulk of our time. Maybe that’s one of the reasons it’s so difficult to stay present in each moment.
But we have to remember the importance of what’s going on behind the scenes. Those every day moments are the foundation of our kids’ childhood. The little choices we make each day to be intentional and stay focused on the task at hand are the building blocks of great parenting. And nothing, absolutely nothing, is more important than doing that well.
Being a present parent is something you’ll never regret…
The older I get, the faster time flies. It seems like I’m always trying to slow it down, to make whatever season my kids are in last a little bit longer. But time is going to pass, whether we like it or not.
And the best way to make the most of the time we do have is to enjoy the moments as they’re happening. To refuse to let the busyness and distractions of this life keep us from being a present parent.
We must embrace each new day as an opportunity to fully enjoy the greatest blessing God could give us this side of heaven…family.
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