I thought I was teaching her a valuable life lesson.
Turned out I had it all backwards.
The parenting choices I made that day had little to do with my daughter. But what they taught me, I won’t soon forget.
A problem…
Have you ever navigated a tricky parenting situation only to discover later that it wasn’t really a parenting issue at all?
But a heart issue…of your own.
That’s where I found myself a few years ago on Back to School Night for my then second grader.
You see, she had set her heart on wearing a new dress she’d just bought with a gift card she’d received for her birthday.
But there was one problem–the dress was WAY too fancy for this event.
It was a spaghetti-strapped wonder. A shimmering top with a netted flowing skirt that swirled around her calves. Decked out in a creamy gold shade that shouted formal wear. And complete with sparkly gold shoes and a cream bow for her hair.
It was beautiful. But definitely more appropriate for a wedding or fancy dinner. Not at all suited for the casual back to school night she’d be attending.
Most of the other kids would probably be in shorts or summer jumpers. Not even the teachers would be as dressed up as my daughter wanted to be!
I was certain she’d stand out like a sore thumb.
So, I tried to talk her out of it.
I explained why the outfit was not appropriate for the occasion. Gently pointed out that she would be overdressed. And promised she could wear the dress soon to another event.
But she wouldn’t be swayed. None of my carefully worded arguments seemed to matter. She loved that dress. She was proud of buying it herself. And she was bound and determined to wear it.
A golden opportunity…
As we hashed out the issue, I realized this was a situation in which I needed to release control and let my daughter make her own decision. This was not one of those difficult parenting choices. It was kind of a no brainer.
Would she be overdressed? Absolutely.
Would her friends comment on her outfit choice? Possibly.
Was she going to feel embarrassed? Perhaps.
But I perceived this as a golden opportunity to let her learn from her own mistake. In a setting where the consequences wouldn’t really be that big of a deal.
And maybe somewhere along the way she’d consider her mother’s advice wasn’t that far off after all!
A little self-reflection…
Yet after our conversation, something still bothered me. Deep down I questioned my true motives behind her outfit choices.
As I let myself think about it, I realized the whole decision wasn’t as much about her as I’d tried to convince myself it was.
I’d just started a new teaching job at her school. And it would be my first back to school night.
If I was completely and totally honest with myself, I was worried that her choice of outfit would reflect on me too.
What would the other teachers and parents think if I dressed my daughter to the nines for a casual event?
Would they judge my parenting? Or my taste in clothes? What kind of reputation would I be earning?
Even though I knew all those worries were petty and self-absorbed, it didn’t change the fact that they were still there.
And while I wouldn’t admit my insecurities to anyone else, I knew the truth. I wanted my daughter to wear something more presentable because I was the one who didn’t want to be embarrassed.
And while that definitely wouldn’t win me any parent of the year awards, at least I had the common sense to push my anxieties aside and do what was best for my daughter.
So, I told her she could wear the dress.
And I hoped the lessons she learned would be worth it.
Find encouragement after a parenting mistake in “How to Recover From an Epic Mom Fail.”
An unexpected surprise…
Back to school night came and went. My daughter wore her beautiful gown and loved every minute. And I had a smooth and successful evening.
The next day, as I chatted with her about the night before, I was surprised at what I discovered.
She wasn’t the least bit self-conscious about her clothing choices. And she had a wonderful time seeing her friends and showing off her new dress.
She said she felt beautiful. And totally, completely comfortable.
Not one mention of being overdressed.
Or rethinking her outfit choice.
Or recognizing the value of her mom’s advice.
She was totally content with her decision. And my hopes of these particular parenting choices being a learning opportunity were effectively dashed.
Or so I thought.
A different kind of lesson…
It didn’t take me long to realize some very important lessons DID get learned that day.
By me.
My daughter had reminded me that confidence starts on the inside. And should have little to do with what you wear or how others might perceive you.
She’d been a shining example of the freedom and peace that comes when you choose not to care so much about what other people think.
And the ridiculous stress and pressure that comes with doing the opposite.
The teacher had indeed become the student. And I was so thankful for it.
I’ve always struggled with putting too much weight on the opinion of others. It’s been a thorn in my side for as long as I can remember. It’s something I’ve tried to work on, but have gained little ground.
This particular situation was case in point. And it seemed God would agree. As with many things parenting, He used this circumstance to grow my character just a little bit more.
Read about another time I learned something unexpected from my kids in “A Lesson in Humility.”
When parenting choices change you…
This isn’t the first time my parenting choices have affected me more than my kids. And I’m sure it won’t be the last.
I fully believe God intends parenting to change and shape the adults involved just as much as the children. At least that’s been the case in my own life.
I’ve learned more as a parent than in any other area of my life. And while this job is by far the most difficult one I’ve ever taken on, it’s also the most rewarding.
Because being a parent doesn’t just strengthen your character. It changes you.
Forever.
Becoming a parent shifts your perspective in ways nothing else can. It allows you to see the world through a different lense. It gives you a whole new outlook on life.
I cherish the passage of time and the seasons of life much more than I did before kids. I appreciate little moments and hold them closer.
And I’ve learned how to love in a way I never even knew was possible.
I’m sure God will continue to grow and stretch me as He guides me through this parenting journey. And I’m grateful for that.
But, I’m even more thankful that He said yes to one of the best parenting choices I ever made–simply to become one.
What parenting choices have been more about you than your kids? Please share in the comments below!
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