Have you ever made a parenting mistake that was especially hard to swallow? I mean, really had an epic mom fail? One for the record books?
We probably all have. At least, I would like to think so. Assuming I’m not alone makes me feel a little better.
Because I’ve had plenty.
Like the time I accidentally banged my two-year-old’s head in the car door when trying to get all my kids out of our vehicle.
Or that day I drove several miles down the interstate before realizing I forgot to strap my newborn securely into her car seat.
Or maybe when I mistakenly set a glass dish on a hot burner and it exploded–while my toddler and infant were in the kitchen with me.
I could go on and on, but for the sake of my reputation, I think I’ll stop with those!
I’ve learned many lessons through all my mom mistakes. (For example, make sure your toddler’s head is completely OUT of harm’s way before you slam the door.)
But one of the most sobering discoveries isn’t related to those careless (or sleep-deprived) things I still can’t believe I’ve done. While embarrassing, I’ve learned those aren’t the mom fails that hurt the most.
No, the ones I just can’t seem to get over are those mistakes that damage my child’s heart.
Need mom life help or hope? Check out these “5 Inspiring Blogs with Encouragement for Moms.”
A promise broken…
A few months ago I had the opportunity to volunteer at my daughter’s school for the entire day. To say she was excited to have me there was an understatement, especially when we made plans to eat lunch together.
I’d already logged several volunteer hours in the building where my youngest attended, so my older daughter was thrilled it was her turn for a visit.
As the morning passed, I became engrossed in the work before me. Suddenly I realized lunchtime had passed and I’d forgotten all about eating with my daughter.
I knew her class had already transitioned to the playground, so I hurriedly made my way outside. When I found my oldest, it was easy to see the hurt written all over her sweet little face.
She asked where I’d been. As difficult as it was to admit, I told her the truth. I had forgotten about our lunch date. I did my best to deliver a heartfelt apology, but I was pretty sure it fell on deaf ears.
She gave me a sad look, a quick hug, and then ran off to play. I knew my daughter well. She didn’t want to appear upset in front of anyone. Avoiding a discussion was her way of dealing with the situation.
Two broken hearts…
When we got home from school that day, I pulled her onto my lap and apologized again for missing lunch. In the safety of our house and with no one else watching, she released the emotions she’d been holding inside.
She told me about proudly announcing to her friends that she was going to eat lunch with her mom. And how sad she’d felt when I didn’t show up. And that she didn’t understand how I could forget something so important.
Then the tears started flowing.
These weren’t the kind of tears that could be easily kissed away. They were deep sobs from a truly broken heart.
While I didn’t have outward tears of my own, she wasn’t the only one hurting.
I had messed up. Big time. All the apologizing and promising to make it up to her wouldn’t change what I had done.
I wanted a redo, a chance to go back in time and remedy the situation. Or at least take away the pain I had caused. But neither one of those things were going to happen.
So I just held her. And asked for forgiveness. And held her some more.
Read “Grace for the Weary Mom“ for more mom life encouragement.
Lessons from my mom fail…
This wasn’t my first mom fail and I’m sure it won’t be my last. I wish this wasn’t the case, but reality is that I’m not perfect.
As with most other mistakes in life, there’s always something to be learned from the experience. This one was no exception.
So, here’s seven important truths I discovered when recovering from a particularly difficult mom fail.
Accept responsibility.
I could have made a million different excuses that day. Everything from the importance of my volunteer to-do list to distractions from people around me.
But the truth was I just forgot. Plain and simple.
That important promise I made to my daughter had slipped right out of my mind until it was too late. It happens to the best of us. (Or so I’d like to think.)
But owning up to my mistake and letting her know I recognized how that mistake made her feel was the first step in making it right.
Apologize and ask for forgiveness.
I’m pretty sure I said “I’m sorry” more times than I can count. I knew I really only needed to say it once, but I couldn’t seem to stop!
And once I’d apologized, I asked for forgiveness.
I was able to use my mistake as an opportunity to model humility. My apology also gave her the chance to grant forgiveness and begin the healing process in her own heart.
Try to make amends.
While I knew I couldn’t take away the pain caused by my mistake, I still wanted a do-over! Fortunately, I got that opportunity a few weeks later during an early release day at her school.
I arrived before dismissal and surprised my daughter with another lunch date. One I actually followed through on!
It didn’t completely make up for my previous forgetfulness, but it did remind her that she is cherished and loved. It showed her quality time together was important to me.
Don’t overcompensate.
After the missed lunch, I had this urge to go overboard on making things right.
I repeatedly apologized, wanted to give extra privileges, and even felt bad disciplining her in the days following.
But I had to remind myself that my mom fail didn’t mean I should change my parenting approach in an effort to “fix” what was broken.
Repairing our relationship wouldn’t happen by empty apologies, extra stuff, or avoiding necessary consequences for poor behavior.
In fact, doing any of those things would only make things worse!
Focus on relationship.
In reality, mending the relationship would take time and patience. I needed to be intentional about making and following through on promises in the future.
In short, I needed to regain her trust.
I invested a little more one-on-one time than usual and did everything I could to reassure my daughter that our bond was strong.
Give yourself some grace.
Parenting mistakes happen. Quite often, if you’re anything like me!
But beating myself up about every single one doesn’t make me a better mom or my family a happier unit. Learning from my errors and making adjustments so the same ones aren’t repeated is what’s important.
I’ve heard it said from a few different sources, “Mistakes are only opportunities for lessons.” In the case of this mom fail, those lessons were on forgiveness. And grace.
For both my daughter and myself.
Read “A Lesson in Humility“ for a funny and heartwarming parenting story.
Let it go.
One of the great things about kids is their resilience. After a few days, my daughter seemed to be pretty much over the incident. While I’m sure she hasn’t forgotten, she hasn’t let it slow her down either.
But the hurt caused by my mom fail was probably just as painful for me as it was for her. And I had a harder time getting past it.
It was my husband who finally helped me see the light when he said something along the lines of the following.
“You messed up and you know it. Deal with the consequences, do your best to make it right, and then move on.”
Parenting will never be perfect…
This parenting journey is a hard one. And unfortunately, mistakes are just a part of that story.
But good parents know to turn those mistakes into lessons. More importantly, they know how to keep those failures from defining their parenthood.
Because though it may not always seem like it, for every one thing you do wrong, you do ten things really well. For every mom fail, there are countless other times when you rock it.
It’s easy to forget that. I know I do.
But we can’t let those “less than perfect moments” get the best of us. The very fact that we’re so desperate to get it right is a sure sign we’re well on the way to doing just that!
So, hold your head up mama. You’re doing great.
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