I’ve always known I’m a bit of a control freak. Okay, so “a bit,” may be a slight understatement.
My need for control has been a thorn in my side for as long as I can remember. It’s shown up time and again throughout my life.
It began as battles with my parents in my earlier years and progressed to lively discussions with my husband over the course of our marriage.
And it’s especially apparent in my faith as I continually struggle with giving God control.
A lifelong perfectionist…
My parents would be the first to tell you it was difficult raising a teenager who stressed over an out of order bathroom shelf. They could tell stories of a particular young girl who spent ridiculous amounts of time organizing a pantry by container shape and size.
I’m sure my husband would also chime in that having a partner who second guesses every decision can be a tad annoying. He might add that a wife who struggles to release enough control to allow him to lead effectively can make for many challenging discussions.
And my kids…. well, let’s just say my three-year-old was not too happy when I tried to re-organize her brand-new Barbie house and put each piece of furniture back in its proper room.
(To give myself a little credit, I did recognize my impulsive behavior as it was happening and forced myself to step away from the toys. I swallowed my protests and let her play in the disorganized chaos to her heart’s content!)
Each of those stories reflect my obvious struggles with perfectionism. However, I’ve learned over the years the root issue goes much deeper than my Type A personality.
God has used multiple circumstances to show me I don’t just have a control problem.
I have a trust problem.
My struggles to give God control reveal a deeper issue…
I’m happiest living inside this neatly constructed little box. A safe place where the walls are clearly defined and everything is within my control.
However, we all know life rarely fits into any kind of box.
It’s beautiful, but it’s also messy, disorganized, and definitely beyond my control.
Essentially living a life of joy and peace requires me to trust God more than my own ability to order my life.
When I’m forced outside my comfort zone, I find myself fighting a never-ending battle between grasping for control and learning to trust. While this personality flaw effects almost every part of my life, I see it most clearly when it comes to money and finances.
A balance of responsibility and letting go…
I’m faced with the struggle of giving God control every time we make a financial decision or sit down to do our monthly budget. I thrive on security.
My comfort lies in knowing we have enough money in the bank and that all our bills are paid. I want to know we can take care of whatever surprise might be waiting around the corner.
I’ll be the first to agree that good stewardship of your finances is vitally important. Yet, I also know there’s a certain point where it can get out of balance.
When my own desires to control our finances outweigh my trust in God to provide for our family, I’ve crossed that line.
As God does with most areas of weakness, He’s provided me numerous opportunities to learn how to trust him more.
We’re in one of those seasons right now. Almost two years ago, we moved to a different part of the city and left our current church home (where I was also employed part-time).
While my husband makes the bulk of our income, my small salary was definitely helpful. For the last year and a half (and for the second time in our marriage) we’ve been living solely on one income.
We’ve drastically changed our lifestyle in an effort to live within our means. We’ve given up eating out and make very few extra purchases.
We’ve learned to get especially creative for date nights and fun family activities. Our grocery list has slimmed down significantly and our girls only participate in one extra-curricular activity each year.
A difficult financial season becomes a lesson in giving God control…
It’s a challenging season that’s presented the opportunity for one lesson after another. We’ve struggled with the comparison trap and learning to be satisfied within our limited lifestyle.
Our family knows how to prioritize needs versus wants.
We’ve been humbled more times than we ever thought possible. I can honestly say, there’s not one thing about our financial situation that fits inside my carefully constructed box.
In fact, that box is nowhere to be found!
Admittedly the process has been painful, but we’re thankful for the lessons we’ve learned along the way. And we recognize the journey is far from over.
You see, we plan to continue adding to our family. We know expenses will only increase as our children grow. We’ve relocated to a new part of our city, where we discovered an unexpected increase in the cost of living.
And as crazy as it sounds, we decided to put our girls in a private Christian school. While we love the school, it also adds considerable weight to our already strained budget.
All this being said, our recent decisions have made it impossible to continue living at our current income level.
We want to save for retirement and start college funds for our children. A vacation is much needed for our entire family and an anniversary get-away would greatly strengthen our marriage.
We’re making plans for the future and are in the process of creating additional revenue streams. We continue to cling to the hope that this season will pass.
We look forward to a future with less financial stress.
God never fails to provide for our needs as we surrender to him…
In the meantime, we’re continually amazed at how God provides for our needs. We’ve had that anxious feeling of an out of balance budget more often than we’d like to admit.
Yet, God has somehow made up the difference every single time. An extra bonus check here, an unexpected side job there.
Sometimes I look back over the month and can’t even pinpoint exactly how He did it, but all our needs are met.
Through the ups and downs of our current experience, God has also been working on my heart. He’s teaching me that true freedom comes when I completely release control and trust him enough to provide for our family.
He’s shown me that box I love to hide in is no longer necessary.
It would be stretching the truth to say I don’t reflect daily on our finances. It would be dishonest if I claimed to be unconcerned about our tight budget.
On the other hand, I can see growth in my journey to give God control in all areas of my life.
My ability to stay in peace as I watch the money come and go has dramatically increased. I’m able to write a check without worry and I can look ahead with hope instead of dread.
Most importantly, I can give money away with true joy, regardless of the balance of my own checkbook.
Even though I’ve made progress, I’m pretty sure God isn’t finished with me yet. In fact, that seems evident as we still sit smack dab in the middle of our current situation!
I know the lessons ahead may be just as challenging as the ones in the past. Yet I choose to continue moving forward, releasing a little more control with each step.
a view from both sides…
Now, I realize many of you may feel claustrophobic just thinking about the safe little box I’m learning to climb out of.
For all my laid-back friends who’ve been sitting there shaking your heads as you read—don’t write me off just yet! I need your inspiration and admire your ability to take life as it comes.
As I’m debating with my six-year-old over the definition of a “clean room,” I’m secretly wishing I was more like you. While I still struggle to find that perfect balance between control and trust, I’m learning to lean your way a little more.
And for my fellow perfectionists who totally and completely get where I’m coming from, take heart. My own journey towards peace is a testimony of God’s ability to manufacture change.
Read “16 Verses About Trusting God“ for powerful scriptures about trusting God in every situation.
Learning to give God complete control is a never-ending journey of trust…
I fully admit there are many times I would love to crawl right back into my box, but with each step forward I’m learning to be more comfortable in my new surroundings.
Throughout the past several years, I’ve been reminded of a truth I’ve always known, but only recently had to live.
My family’s provision is ultimately not my responsibility. Nor is it my husbands.
We will always work hard. We’ll never stop striving to be good stewards of our many blessings.
Our family will continue to set goals and do our best to reach each and every one.
But we also have the knowledge that our ultimate provider is a God with unlimited resources and extraordinary love for his children. He promises to meet our needs, even in the most difficult seasons.
We can depend on something far greater than our own ability or financial outlook.
Whether we’re control freaks or content to live life in the moment, having that kind of trust brings freedom to us all.
For most of us, learning to give God control in all areas of life is a never-ending process. Do you have a story about your journey toward surrendering to God? We would love to hear it! Please share in the comments below.
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