I never saw it coming.
Maybe it was because my first-time mom experience was fairly typical.
Filled with all the normal joys, anxieties, and endless skills to master. At times I was overwhelmed by the steep learning curve. But for the most part, I walked through the baby and toddlerhood seasons of my oldest child with confidence in my abilities as a mom.
I couldn’t have been happier in my new role.
Not so the second time around. As soon as our next child was born, my world turned upside down.
And I soon uncovered a surprising truth…finding joy in motherhood doesn’t always come easy.
Finding my groove…
My husband and I didn’t meet and get married until we were in our late 20’s. And we had our first baby in our early 30’s. By that time, I had quite a bit of knowledge in the areas of baby and child development.
I had a master’s degree in education and years of experience working with young children. As a classroom teacher with time spent teaching in vastly different school districts, I was pretty sure I’d “seen it all.”
Plus, most of my friends were married and raising their own families. I’d had a front row seat to their parenting journeys, watching what worked and what didn’t. Cataloging it all for when it was finally my turn.
So, when we became pregnant with our first child, I felt ready. At least as ready as you can be. And the transition to parenthood was fairly smooth.
Now, don’t get me wrong – I had a lot to learn! I wasn’t naturally good at the whole mama thing.
I made a (literal) mess of diaper changing. I’ve never been able to figure out how to use a nursing cover without a ridiculous amount of fumbling around. And I was far from graceful as I juggled an infant seat, diaper bag, and purse.
But despite my many deficiencies, I still felt confident as a new mom. My baby was thriving in all the right areas and was a decent sleeper. I was keeping up with my house and our pantry never got too low on groceries.
I had everything under control.
Then we decided to try for number two.
The second time around…
To say my second experience at motherhood didn’t go as smoothly as the first would be an understatement.
We didn’t know it at the time, but our new baby had MSPI. An intolerance to dairy and soy proteins that caused extreme reflux and major gastrointestinal issues.
But she didn’t exhibit any of the main symptoms usually associated with this diagnosis (failure to thrive, bloody stools, ect.), so our pediatrician didn’t catch it.
On the other hand, I knew something was wrong.
From the day she was born, she struggled with severe reflux. So bad in fact that she had to be aspirated a few times before we even left the hospital. And not long after we brought her home, we had to make a trip to the ER when she stopped breathing for a few moments with similar issues.
Each of those experiences were beyond scary for both my husband and I.
A problem without answers…
But the reflux wasn’t the only problem. She also had intense gas bubbles that seemed to cause almost constant pain. We tried everything we could think of, researched endlessly, and sought advice from other parents. Still nothing was able to completely alleviate her discomfort.
Those two issues made sleeping difficult for our baby girl. One of the only ways she could rest comfortably was laying upright on my chest.
Which meant I didn’t sleep much either. For months, I averaged around two to three hours of sleep each night. And those came in 20 minute spurts between much longer periods of consoling and comforting my daughter.
I also had a busy toddler at home. One who slept fairly well and was ready to go strong all day long as soon as the sun came up. So, rest during the day was hard to come by too.
It didn’t take long before I was exhausted.
I visited our pediatrician countless times, practically begging for help. But each appointment was met with the same response. Your baby is gaining weight and she has no other outward signs of distress. She may be colicky. But she’s healthy.
Yet I knew other mamas with babies that had colic. And my daughter didn’t fit the bill for that. I knew something else had to be going on.
I just didn’t know what.
Going through a difficult season in motherhood? You’re not alone. Read “A Message of Hope for the Struggling Mom.”
At my breaking point…
It’s a funny thing what lack of sleep will do to a person. After over six months of long days and even longer nights, I was on the verge of losing it.
Looking back now, I realize how close I was to coming unglued. But at the time, I was just putting one foot in front of the other. Determined to wear a brave face and try to find that confident mom that I used to be.
But on the inside, I was miserable. Too proud to ask for help. Yet struggling every day with finding joy in motherhood like I knew I should be.
And then God intervened.
He placed a few different people in my path that led me to discover MSPI. After a little research and a whole lot of praying, I self-diagnosed my child.
Since I was breastfeeding, I made drastic changes to cut all dairy and soy out of my diet. It took a few weeks, but I began to notice a huge change in our baby.
She slept for longer spurts. The gassiness began to dissipate. She was more comfortable and less fussy. A month into my new diet, she was a completely different girl.
After more than seven months of misery, I breathed a huge sigh of relief.
Full of regrets…
I have so many memories of that first year with our second child. Many of them are wonderful. But just as many are hard to think about.
Like the time I was so exhausted that I set a glass dish on a hot stove burner. It exploded in our kitchen, sending shards of glass flying at my toddler and newborn who were playing nearby.
Thankfully no one was hurt. But I was a hot mess as I contemplated what could have been.
Or the time I backed out a store parking spot in a sleep-deprived haze only to realize I had left the car door next to my infant wide open. A woman running towards our vehicle alerted me to the mistake. I’ll never forget the look of judgement and condemnation on her face.
I consoled myself with the fact that my daughter was safely secured in her car seat, so the open door wasn’t that big of a deal. Only to have it dawn on me a few miles down the interstate that I couldn’t remember buckling her in.
Sure enough, when I pulled over to check she was laying in her seat, completely unrestrained. Just like she had been when I backed out with the door wide open.
I was distraught at my own carelessness.
And there are endless more similar stories.
But the memories that really fill me with sadness are more about my attitude than my actions.
A clouded perspective…
Sleep deprivation doesn’t only wreak havoc with your physical body. It messes with your emotions as well.
And during that season, mine were definitely everywhere.
I vividly remember rocking my crying daughter in the wee hours of the morning. Tears streaming my face, begging her to just rest. Angry with myself for being frustrated at her. But not knowing how to break out of the vicious cycle that held us both captive.
I told myself countless times – just get through this season. Put one foot in front of the other and just keep going.
Without realizing it, my perspective had shifted. Forget about finding joy in motherhood. That would have to come with the next baby.
I just had to survive this one.
And therein lies my biggest regret.
I just assumed we would have more children. We’d always wanted a big family. We weren’t planning to stop at two kids. And surely the next baby would be easier.
But tomorrow isn’t promised. And as we would discover in the years to come, life doesn’t turn out like we expect.
Need more mom life encouragement? Check out “Grace for Moms That Are Weary.”
Missed opportunities…
After such a difficult time with our second daughter, we put the brakes on growing our family. On top of a challenging infant, we’d also had several other curve balls thrown our way. Life was hard. And we needed to catch our breath before adding another little one to the mix.
When we finally decided it was time to try for number three, we were in for a big surprise. Conceiving didn’t come easy this time.
Months passed. And then years. With no pregnancy and no baby.
During that time, memories of our daughter’s first year seemed to haunt me at every turn. I thought back to how I’d pretty much wished away her time as an infant.
Countless weeks just focused on getting through the day, but never living in the moment. Never finding joy in motherhood because I was just too exhausted.
Now don’t get me wrong…my regrets didn’t change the reality of that difficult season. It was beyond hard. But maybe if I could have seen the future, my perspective back then would have been a little bit different.
Maybe…hard as it was…I would have found a way to cherish it more. I’d just assumed I would get to do the baby stage again. But what if I had assumed wrong?
An answered prayer…
Turns out, our family wasn’t complete quite yet. God, in His grace, answered our prayers. After over four years and two miscarriages, He blessed us with another baby girl. As I write this story, I’m only a few weeks away from delivery.
To be honest, I have no idea what to expect. It’s been a long time since we’ve had an infant! We’ve almost forgotten about the sleepless nights and constant feedings. It’s hard to recall the endless diaper changes and long pumping sessions.
But there’s one thing I haven’t forgotten…
Those deep feelings of regret for not enjoying my daughter’s infancy. The sadness in my soul for how I tried to rush that season. And the longing that I could just get that time with her back.
Most of all, the fear in the years following that I might never get a second chance.
It all taught me a valuable lesson.
Finding joy in motherhood doesn’t have to depend on my situation. It’s more about my heart.
Easy baby or difficult infant. Compliant toddler or challenging one. Working or staying home. Clean house or dirty.
It’s all about perspective.
Finding joy in motherhood in every season…
Being a mom is a priceless gift. One that not every woman gets to experience. It’s a privilege that should never be taken lightly. A blessing to hold close to your heart.
That doesn’t mean there won’t be hard days. Times when you feel overwhelmed. Situations where you question everything. In fact, all that’s pretty much guaranteed.
But there’s one thing to always remember…today is only lived once.
There are no repeats. No do-overs. No traveling back in time to relive any season–difficult or easy–with your kids.
And those seasons go by so fast. From the day you bring them home to the time they take off on their own–it passes like a flash.
It’s a cliche.
But it’s true.
Finding joy in motherhood is about learning to truly live in those moments in between. To fully embrace them all. The peaceful and the chaotic. The easy and the hard. The laughter and the tears.
As moms, we need to tune our hearts to the blessing of parenthood. To remember that it’s a gift. Regardless of what kind of season we find ourselves in. We must refuse to let the hard days steal our joy.
Another chance…
Unfortunately, I can’t use my newfound perspective to redo my second daughter’s first year. But I do have another chance to try again.
Another precious baby to love.
And this time, I’m determined to keep my heart right.
I have no idea what the next few months will bring. What I do know is there will be good days and bad. Times of happiness and periods of frustration. More questions than answers. Doubts that will threaten my peace.
But there will also be sweet smiles and warm hugs. First words and first steps. Morning snuggles and bedtime hugs. And countless other little moments that will melt my heart.
So, I’m setting my mind now…committed to finding joy in motherhood regardless of what each day brings.
I will fully embrace this season.
And so can you.
Whether you’re knee-deep in diapers or playing taxi to a car full of teenagers.
Let’s appreciate motherhood like the high calling that it truly is.
You won’t do everything right. No one does.
And you may have days where a smile is hard to find. That’s okay.
Because if you continually set your heart and mind on the joys of being a mom, you can always get back on track.
We’ve been given one of the most important jobs this side of heaven.
And if we truly take that to heart, we’ll be able to look back on each stage with no regrets.
Just a heart full of memories of a season well-lived.
What tips do you have for finding joy in motherhood during difficult seasons? Please share in the comments below!
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