Hot mess didn’t even begin to describe it. I was way past that.
Tears running down my face and choking back sobs, I tried to get myself under control.
Because I wasn’t locked in my bathroom or hidden away in my car.
Not even close.
I was melting down in the middle of a room full of colleagues at the tail end of a difficult meeting.
It was not one of my finer moments. Nor one I ever saw coming.
Usually even-tempered, I couldn’t believe I had just lost it in public. Or that I had let some unexpected news shake me this badly.
If this was some kind of test on trusting my faith over my feelings, I had just failed.
Miserably.
A long season…
In hindsight, I probably shouldn’t have been so surprised at the emotional outburst.
My husband and I were stuck in what seemed like a never-ending season of difficulty. Each time it looked like we might see victory, something else sent us into a tailspin.
We are fighters. We don’t give up easily and we’ve learned how to persevere.
But years of disappointments and trials had left us weary. And more discouraged than we ever thought possible.
The week of of that fateful meeting had been a particularly rough one. The challenges seemed to roll in one after another.
And to top it off, our toddler still wasn’t sleeping through the night. Over two years of sleep deprivation had long since taken its toll. This probably goes without saying…but exhaustion combined with deep discouragement isn’t a good recipe.
Everybody has a breaking point. I didn’t know it until that meeting, but I had reached mine.
Learn how to keep hope alive when life gets hard in “Discover a Joyful Life in the Face of Adversity.”
An emotional rollercoaster…
If you’d told me ten years ago that I would burst into tears in a room full of people, I would have laughed in your face. Even five years ago, I probably wouldn’t have believed you.
That just wasn’t me.
But I also wouldn’t have believed the challenges thrown my way in the last decade either. I’ve learned the hard way…long seasons of struggle do a number on your soul. Emotions I could have easily handled in the past suddenly had the upper hand.
That meeting left me completely embarrassed. I didn’t know how many people noticed my meltdown. A few for sure. A handful maybe. Definitely not everyone in the room. But that didn’t do much for my ego.
It was humbling to say the least.
A negative trend…
I felt an inner shift that day. I’d been battling doubt and frustration with God off and on throughout our season of struggle. But my faith had always won out.
This time was different. The scales were tipping in the opposite direction. The feelings of bitterness and anger were strong. And I was having a hard time fighting them off.
Read more about walking through long seasons of adversity in “How to Keep Your Faith Strong Through Disappointment.”
I did everything I could to strengthen my faith. I tried to stay consistent with my quiet times. And dedicated more time to reading the Bible. I memorized Scriptures that I thought might help. I listened to Christian podcasts and worship music.
But none of that seemed to stop the discontentment sneaking its way into my heart.
And to be honest–that scared me. I wanted to be strong in my faith and trust that God would work things out. I knew that choosing faith over feelings was what I SHOULD be doing. Yet, a persistent voice in my head kept questioning God’s goodness and His plan for our family.
Conflicting perspectives…
A few weeks later I found myself in our church worship service with a noticeable hardness in my heart.
The song playing had long been one of my favorites. A promise from Scripture that had encouraged me countless times in the past.
But that day the words fell flat.
Father of kindness
You have poured out grace
You brought me out of darkness
You have filled me with peace
Giver of mercy
You’re my help in time of need
Lord I can’t help but singFaithful You are
Faithful forever You will be
Faithful You are
All Your promises are yes and Amen
All Your promises are yes and Amen
Those promises didn’t seem to apply to me anymore.
I felt stuck in a darkness that wouldn’t let me go. I couldn’t see God’s grace, feel His peace, or recognize His mercy.
And over the past several years, it seemed like He’d been pretty silent in my greatest times of need.
His promises hadn’t been yes and amen. Not for quite a while now. I knew in reality He’d been faithful countless times in my past. And I tried hard to focus on those memories. But the discouragement that had been slowly seeping into my soul clouded my vision.
My eyes flooded with tears as the song continued.
I will rest in Your promises
My confidence is Your faithfulness
I definitely wasn’t resting in His promises. And my confidence wasn’t just shaken–it was basically non-existent.
A choice to make…
I was at a crossroads.
I could continue to let my feelings rule. To let my emotions dictate my reality.
That’s what I’d been doing for weeks. And obviously, it hadn’t been working very well.
I’d forgotten what almost four decades of walking with the Lord had taught me–there was a better way.
I could choose faith over feelings. I could refuse to let my unreliable emotions make me bitter. And instead trust in the God who has good plans for my life–even when current reality begs to differ.
But to do that, I desperately needed to remind myself of simple truths that I’d known for years. Truths that had gotten lost somewhere in the struggle of our difficult season…
I might feel stuck in darkness. But the TRUTH was God had delivered me into the light way back when he saved me. Darkness had no power over me.
I might feel like His grace and peace were non-existent. But the TRUTH was they were always available. I just needed the right mindset to receive them.
I might feel like I’d drawn the short stick when it came His mercy. But the TRUTH was…He continually extended that every time I got so self-absorbed that I forgot all He’d done.
And I might feel like my faith was shaken. But my weak moments of faith didn’t change the most important TRUTH of all–He IS and ALWAYS HAS BEEN faithful.
The enemy had been putting in overtime to make me forget God’s past faithfulness. He wanted me so focused on my current problems that I forgot about my past victories. And it had been working.
Until now.
Even if…
The fact that God was silent in response to my biggest prayers didn’t mean that His promises weren’t true. It simply meant He had something better planned. Something I couldn’t see yet. Or wasn’t ready for.
His promises might not be yes and amen right now. But that didn’t mean they never would be.
And here’s the kicker. The one thing the enemy was trying everything in his power to make me forget. But the truth I needed to cling to most of all. Even if God didn’t answer all my prayers like I hoped, I could still hold tight to His greatest promise…that He’s walking through this world with me and will take me to a better one when this life is over. That’s a promise that no earthly circumstance can ever take away!
I had a choice to make. I could let my emotions run the show. Or I could choose to believe the TRUTH. I could choose to believe in His faithfulness.
Check out “How to Deal with Anxiety“ for ten tips on overcoming negative emotions.
Choosing faith over feelings…
I chose faith.
I lifted my hands and forced myself to sing the words of that song. Even though it was the last thing I felt like doing. And as the worship music played on, I whispered out loud that I would make the choice to believe in God’s goodness, regardless of what was going on in my life.
Nothing changed dramatically that day. My circumstances stayed the same. In fact, a few things got harder.
But I had drawn a line in the sand.
It might sound easy. A few powerful thoughts and uttered words in the middle of a worship service. But it was far from that. I may have drawn that line in the sand, but that didn’t mean I suddenly had control over my emotions. Or instantly felt confident in my faith again.
It’s worth it…
Choosing faith over feelings requires renewing your mind every single day. Sometimes multiple times throughout the day! And renewing your mind is hard work. It takes consistent time in Scripture, praying, and worshipping. It means limiting the things of this world and instead immersing yourself in the things of God.
And it requires fighting back every single time your feelings try to get the upper-hand.
Easy? No.
Worth it? Absolutely.
So, if you find yourself in a place where choosing faith over feelings is much harder than you ever imagined, take heart. I’ve been there too. And friend, if I could grab your hand right now and remind you of one thing, it would be this…
Emotions are fickle. They ebb and flow with every changing circumstance.
But God isn’t. He is the same yesterday, today, and forever. And that TRUTH gives us the confidence to say that His promises really are yes and amen. No matter what we’re going through.
For me. And for you too.
What habit do you find most helpful when trying to conquer faith over feelings. Share in the comments below!
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