I had no idea what to do. Or say. Or even how I was supposed to act.
Sitting with a family member in one of her darkest moments, I desperately wanted to help. But I didn’t even know where to start.
We’ve probably all been there. Trying to comfort a loved one experiencing indescribable grief.
And we just can’t seem to find the right words.
On this particular day, I found myself in one of those situations. I didn’t know what to do next.
But my six-year-old did. She was an example of compassion that I’ll never forget.
A season of sadness…
Our family of four had its first up close and personal battle with terminal illness when my father-in-law was diagnosed with stomach cancer. For a little over a year, he bravely fought the disease and all that comes with it.
He was an example of strength, courage, and an unwavering positive attitude. He never let the disease get the best of him or steal his joy.
Yet despite his grit and determination, we lost him a little over a year after his initial symptoms began.
It was such a short time. But it was filled with more pain and heartache than we ever could have imagined.
I don’t think you can fully understand the scope of cancer until you experience it first-hand.
We had supported friends and extended family through their own cancer battles. But it’s different when it hits home.
It’s a journey that’s impossible to put into words.
A difficult road…
Yet while my husband and I were working through our own wide range of emotions, we also realized that we couldn’t even begin to understand the depth of my mother-in-law’s pain.
Cancer isn’t only cruel to the patient. It never lets up on the caregiver either.
And she was by his side through it all.
The long doctor’s appointments and even longer hospital stays. The late nights and early mornings.
Test results and blood work. Too many medications to keep straight.
Physical pain that often seemed unbearable. And emotional pain that went even deeper.
Bad news, good news, and then bad news again.
An up and down rollercoaster of emotions that went on for months. An experience that could never be fully understood unless you were living it.
And when his battle finally ended, she was left behind to pick up the pieces. Suddenly faced with a life she never expected.
When there are no words…
Shortly after he passed away, I was visiting my mother-in-law with our two young girls. I wasn’t sure what to expect, but I knew our presence would be appreciated.
As usual, we found ourselves settling in the family room. My girls quickly occupied themselves with the toys that were always readily available.
However, my eyes couldn’t help but notice my father-in-law’s presence everywhere I looked.
There was the recliner the family had purchased as a gift for fathers day. The one that had made his last days at home a little more comfortable.
Then there was the coffee table, covered with family pictures and mementos. Memories that had brought comfort and tears to many different friends and family as they helped with funeral arrangements.
And a hundred other things that were a reminder of the wonderful man we’d just so recently said goodbye to.
Surrounded by so much sadness, I had an overwhelming desire to bring a little joy back to the room.
So, I tried to make small talk. And think of something to say that would be helpful.
Maybe share a few encouraging words. Anything to lessen my mother-in-law’s grief or show her that she wasn’t alone.
But I was failing miserably.
Everything I had to say seemed ridiculous in the face of her loss. My words meant to comfort and encourage seemed to fall flat.
I didn’t know what to do.
And then everything changed.
An example of compassion…
My six-year-old had been sitting beside her grandma playing a game. I don’t remember what was said, but the conversation brought tears to my mother-in-law’s eyes.
My daughter glanced up from her toy. She is one of the most compassionate people I know. And she could sense her grandmother’s sadness.
She looked up at her through innocent blue eyes. Eyes that couldn’t possibly understand the depth of grief in front of her.
And then she did the simplest thing.
She placed her small hand on her grandmother’s back. She patted her gently and steadied her gaze on my mother-in-law’s face.
The uncomfortable silence didn’t seem to bother her at all. She didn’t say a word. She didn’t try to make things better.
Because somehow, she knew that she couldn’t. But she also recognized there was one thing that she could do.
She chose to just be present. Quiet, but connected to the moment. Filled with compassion beyond her years.
It was the perfect response.
I watched as my mother-in-law’s countenance visibly changed. Her body relaxed. The tears didn’t go away. But a sad smile crossed her face.
She looked down at my daughter and whispered two simple words.
Thank you.
And just like that, the moment was gone. My daughter went back to her toy. And we returned to our adult conversation.
But there was a noticeable difference. The grief was still present, but it had somehow been softened.
With one small, simple gesture my daughter had changed the entire visit.
Read “A Lesson in Humility“ for how my children taught me another important life lesson.
A lesson to be remembered…
I learned something that day. Compassion can take many different forms.
Often it includes some type of encouraging words. But it doesn’t have too.
Sometimes the most powerful example of compassion is simply your presence.
When life takes an unexpected turn. When the grief doesn’t stop. Or when hope is hard to find.
In those situations, words will never be sufficient.
There’s rarely a perfect piece of encouragement to offer. At least, not one the person is ready to hear in that moment.
Usually there’s nothing to say that will fix the problem. Take away the pain. Or mend the heart.
Words are useless in these situations.
But compassion that simply shows up in the midst of crisis is powerful. A willingness to be present, even if it means uncomfortable moments and pain of your own.
That says more than words ever could.
My six-year-old intuitively recognized when that was needed. She demonstrated a powerful example of compassion.
All without saying a word.
Compassion in action…
I think of that story often. Usually when I’m confronted with someone else’s grief and loss.
My first instinct is usually to talk my way through the situation. To find words that bring encouragement and hope.
Then a picture crosses my mind. A snapshot in time.
It’s my daughter sitting beside her grandmother on the couch. Her small hand reaching out. Her unwavering gaze locked on her Grammy’s face.
That picture stops me in my tracks.
It reminds me that whatever I was going to say might need to take a backseat. That my compassion should extend far beyond all my well-meaning words.
And that maybe words aren’t really necessary at all.
Just being present could be enough. In fact, it might be exactly what’s needed most.
What is the most beautiful example of compassion you’ve ever seen? Please share in the comments below!
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